Two Beautiful Brides

“Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove: O no; it is an ever fixed mark, that looks on tempests, and is never shaken”.   

William Shakespeare - Sonnet 116

I remember reading these words when I was a teenager and thinking that’s the kind of love I want, wild, passionate, all encompassing.  I’ve always taken it for granted that I could have it.  That I would choose a partner, that we would get married and build a family, or in our case family came first and marriage second.  Regardless, there were no obstacles in my way, other than maybe myself and a tendency to be over zealous in my wooing!

The beautiful brides 

But the words never rang truer to me then recently as I watched my cousin Grace, having been escorted up the aisle by her father, wait to greet her beautiful bride to be, Carol, who was also walked up the aisle hand in hand with her father.  The emotion in the room was palpable.  This incredible couple had fought for their special day.  A day Grace said that growing up, she thought she would never have.   They had knocked on doors and handed out fliers and been compelled to explain their love.  They were ridiculed by some, closed minded, bigoted, determined to hold on to an archaic belief that love can be prescribed.  But mainly they were celebrated, by an overwhelming majority and watching them exchange their vows, in their beautiful wedding gowns, I was acutely aware that their love mattered more than mine, because they fought for it, they defended it and they won.

My emotion grew as I listened to my uncle John talk about the love, pride and the incredible respect he holds for his daughter and his new daughter in law, although, I know he has viewed Carol as a daughter for many years now.  A 90-year old aunt our ours cheered and clapped.  My own 73-year old father said that finally he understood, it doesn’t matter who you love, it just matters that you love them.  I have enormous respect for his honesty. You can be dubious about something, without labeling it as wrong, or other or different. 

Grace's colleagues in the Irish Naval providing a guard of honour 

The thing I love most in the aftermath of that wonderful day (definitely not the honeymoon snapchats making me green with envy, thanks girls!) is that my eldest keeps saying he didn't realise Grace and Carol were famous. He doesn't get why their wedding is in the papers, so it must be that they are celebrities. After all, “it's just a wedding Mom, sure everyone can have one”. And there it is. From the mouth of babes. The simple, progressive truth of the Ireland he and his siblings are growing up in.  For him loving and marrying a same sex partner, holds no wonder. For me, I am privileged to have witnessed a democratic process of monumental proportions, afford families around the country the equal status they so desperately deserve.

Maternal Mental Health Matters

May is mental Health Awareness month. The World Health Organisation estimates that about 16% of pregnant women and 20% of women who have just given birth experience a mental disorder, primarily depression. In Ireland, that translates to one in five women, who will suffer from a depressive disorder during our pregnancies or postnatally.

A depressive disorder includes ante and postnatal depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, binge eating, tokophobia, which is an extreme fear of childbirth, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and postpartum psychosis.  Pregnancy and childbirth can exacerbate the symptoms of mental illness for women with a pre-existing condition and increase the risk of a recurrence of symptoms.

Maternal metal health plays a significant role on foetal development – chronic stress in pregnancy is associated with more premature births.  Birthing outcomes are affected – a 2012 study in the British Journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology showed that fear of childbirth is associated with longer and more challenging labours and a higher risk of emergency caesarean sections.  A mother’s mental health effects the formation of positive emotional health and attachments, the physical and social development of infants and healthy family relationships.  Women who experience loss or whose babies are admitted to neonatal intensive care, are at increased risk of postpartum mental illness. Birth-related PTSD occurs in around three percent of women following natural birth and six percent of women following emergency caesarean section.

Recently we held our first “Birth Circle” at the Baby Room.  The idea was to facilitate safe, supportive discussion about our birthing experiences, to share laughs and tears and hugs and tea and chat through some of the big emotions that pregnancy and birth elicit.  What emerged from the gathering of 15 women was that a lot of us carry war wounds. A lot of us are fearful about birth. Our birth experiences go on to influence so many other things in our parenting journey – our sex lives, our anxiety levels, our physical health, our confidence levels, our feelings of empowerment.  We also discussed the lack of supports available for new mother’s, many who are recovering from major abdominal surgery, are just expected to get up and get on.
 
For some of us, simply requesting a copy of our hospital or home birth notes and working through those will help to process some of the events that transpired.  Requesting a meeting with hospital staff is also a good way of addressing any outstanding issues and having unanswered questions answered. There are two particularly fantastic organisations helping to deal with maternal mental health and birth trauma.

Nurture Charity provide timely, affordable, nationwide counselling & supports. There are no waiting lists.  Tara Killen of MindfulBirth.ie is a birth trauma therapist, offering free online Trauma Recovery Programmes for Moms, including PTSD and PND screening tools.

Our Pregnant and Parenting in Carlow Facebook page, also aims to provide local, peer to peer support and information.  Anyone interested in our next get together will get information there or on The Baby Room page.

This May let’s share the message that maternal mental health matters.

Breast Milk Saves Lives

Did you know that every year in Ireland breastmilk saves lives?  At the Human Milk Bank in Fermanagh, breast milk is collected and processed before being made available to neonatal units and hospitals right across the country.  The Milk Bank issues over 1,000 litres of breast milk every year, helping in the region of 700 babies. There are over 200 mums donating, including some incredibly selfless warrior mommas who have lost their own babies and choose to donate milk to honour their child's memory.

In order to donate, babies must be 6 months or under, although this limit can vary from time to time. I collected milk until Ruairí was 7 months old.  My initial chat with the bank included a detailed conversation about my health and history.  Expressed breast milk is collected in pre-sterilised 7 ounce bottles, named, dated and frozen.  Every donating Mum has their blood screened for infectious diseases.  Receiving a blood transfusion or IVF treatment, in addition to some medications automatically rule out donation. Mums are asked not to express for 48 hours after taking over the counter medications or herbal treatments.

The frozen milk and blood sample are sent on in insulated storage containers.  Once it’s received, donor milk is checked for protein and fat content.  It is pasteurised and rechecked for bacteria. After this thorough screening process, milk is sent out to hospitals for the babies in their care.  Donated milk is matched to babies of a similar age.  The list of benefits provided by breast milk is pretty endless.  From lower incidences of asthma, eczema, diabetes and childhood infections to better health outcomes in later life, the research is well documented. Antibodies strengthen the immune system and help fight viruses.  Of particular importance is the protection it provides against Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC), a potentially life threatening condition affecting a baby’s gut.  Babies born prematurely or with a heart condition are particularly susceptible to NEC.  Research suggests that babies who receive donor breast milk are at a reduced risk of developing this condition (some studies suggest by as much as 79%). Truly for some infants receiving breast milk is a matter of life or death.

Separation from baby, maternal illness, and supply issues are all reasons a family may opt to use donor milk for their baby.  Donor milk is also given to mums feeding multiple babies.  Breast milk is often referred to as liquid gold and anyone who has ever expressed milk will testify to the fact that every drop counts.  Breastfeeding, expressing breast milk and bottle feeding, donating milk - it's not always easy but it is definitely up there with the most rewarding things I have done.  It has given my children a great start in life and thanks to the work of the Milk Bank, my milk has helped other precious little ones recover from surgery.  

You can contact the Milk Bank on 048 686 28333 and you can learn more about expressing and storing breastmilk at our Breastfeeding Workshops. Visit www.thebabyroom.ie for more information.

Organised Chaos

My house is falling down around my ears.  Everywhere I look there are clothes, nonchalantly lazing on the bannister of the stairs, draped not very seductively over the back of the couch, multiplying on bedroom floors.
There’s lists, to do lists, shopping lists, activity lists, birthday lists.  A white board on the kitchen wall charts our daily existence – soccer, chess, speech & drama, hurling, camogie, football, ballet, rugby, teach classes, coach, study, dog grooming, kitten spaying, baby vaccinations.  It’s surrounded by birthday party invitations, Christmas present vouchers, raffle tickets and various other slips of paper that sneak in via a school bag or letter box.

The plants need to be watered. The fish tank needs to be cleaned. There’s a whole heap of vegetable seeds waiting for spring to come so that we can plant them – maybe next spring!

Once upon a time I was early for everything. In fact, being late induced a feeling of panic.  Nowadays I’m usually forced to forego either a shower or food, sometimes both.  Despite my best efforts to leave out clothes the night before, to make lunches and pack school bags, we are late.

Despite going through the morning mantra of “wash your face, brush your teeth, open your curtains, make your bed, put your shoes on, get your coat on, bring down your laundry” a million times over the last couple of years, I still find myself standing at the bottom of the stairs every morning, on repeat.

It’s not ideal really, this so much to do, so little time house that we live in but it’s our reality.  And somehow it works, or sort of works and that’s good enough.  It’s taught me a lot, this messy yellow house, where two of my children were born.  I’ve learned how to close presses at lightning speed in order to prevent things from falling out on top of me.  I’m now an expert at hiding piles of laundry when people are coming to visit.  I can magic a dinner out of half a rice cake and a stale pitta bread.  Mainly though, it’s taught me to relax.  Not in a zen monastery kind of way but in a don’t sweat the small stuff way.  Is it important that the floors don’t get washed every day / week? Of course not, dirt helps build healthy immune systems! Does it matter that we wear every last item of clothing before I get around to putting a wash on? Nope, the garage down the road has installed new industrial washing machines so you bet your life It doesn’t matter.  And really, who can call themselves a parent until they’ve had the privilege of standing on Lego at 3am?

John Lennon once said “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans”.  So while I plan to organise my time better, to sort through 7 years-worth of baby clothes, to clean out the garage, to do the recycling more often, it turns out I’m far too busy living!