My Children Are Driving Me Crazy

I met a friend for coffee the other morning and greeted her “How are you?” with an exasperated “My children are driving me crazy!”. It had been a busy morning, as usual and locating lost shoes, emptying unemptied lunch boxes, cleaning up cat poo and wrestling tangled hair meant I was frazzled. (Actually frazzled has become kind of a thing).

 Her response was “Don’t let anyone hear you say that. You’re supposed to be all Earth mother”. Am I, I thought? Because I write about my experiences of parenting? Because I teach classes? Because I’ve had home births and breastfed children past 2 years of age? Does that make me a particular type of mother? Does that mean I can’t have days where everything goes to pot and I make a complete mess out of parenting? Or that I can’t be stressed and completely lose my cool when I’m washing my teeth and turn around to see make up smeared all over the walls or the dog covered in Sudocreme (true story).

She didn’t mean anything by it. And I wasn’t offended but it got me thinking about perceptions and labels. I parent the way I parent because it works for me and my family. I teach the classes I teach because I have studied the psychology and philosophies behind them and they resonate with me. I am passionate about gentle parenting. I understand it works best for my kids. Do I get it right all the time? Unequivocally, no! Sometimes little arms are wrapped around me and I am told “You are the best Mom EVER”, other times doors are slammed in my face and “I hate you” is shouted at me (I’m not going to lie, that one hurts like hell.)

It’s really hard trying to find the balance between knowing the mother I want to be and being her. Every day brings challenges, sometimes I rise to them in a gracious way. Other days I am overwhelmed by responsibility and the kids bear the brunt. Sometimes I try my very best. Some days I am very far from my best and trying just seems like a step to far, so I do what I can. Every day is a new day and when I’m being crap and I’ve treated the kids badly by shouting or being unfair, then I own it, I apologise for it and we move on. I’m far from perfect. I make mistakes. And I’m certainly not trying to hold myself up as any kind of an example, other than within my own home. But I do hope that in being honest I let the Momma’s I work with know that we are in this together.

Earth mother, working mother, hippie momma, stay at home mother, crunchy mom. Routines, relaxed. Breastfeeding, bottle feeding, co sleeping, spoon feeding, baby led weaning, home birth, C-section, natural conception, IV.F., adoption, single, married, gay, straight. The only label that’s important in any of it is, simply, Mother.

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Goodbye

I can barely bring myself to type the “word” Brexit.  Partially because it’s an utterly ridiculously constructed term and partially because the whole scenario is quite frankly, utterly ridiculous.  Like a ship without a sail, Britain drifts into uncharted waters.  Those that encouraged the maiden voyage, abandoned ship, rowing as fast as they could away from the outcome, their political reputations in tatters.  The rest of us hold our breaths and wait for the fall out.  That any right minded person voted in favour to leave is bizarre in the extreme to me, but democracy is democracy, right?

Whilst chatting to an English person recently, I asked what their opinion was. They said they would have voted leave and when I asked why, answered that they had witnessed huge changes in society, and not positive ones.  It led me to reflect on the very many positive changes that Europe has brought to us here in Ireland.

I’m an 80’s baby.  I grew up against the backdrop of dramatic change for women in Irish society.  In 1973 the European Economic Community opened its doors to us, dragging us kicking and screaming out of the dark ages. Before Europe it was legal for a man to rape his wife.  There was a compulsory ban on married women in the workforce - becoming a wife equaled unemployment.  It was legal to pay women less money for the same work.  There was no such thing as a deserted wives benefit, unmarried mother’s allowance or children’s allowance.
It was legal to fire a pregnant woman.  It was illegal to take the pill or to buy condoms.  There were no Women’s Aid or Rape Crisis centres.  Legislation in these and many, many more areas came because Europe told us it had to.  In fact, even when Ireland abandoned the marriage bar, our government tried to negotiate a clause whereby they could continue to pay women less than their male counterparts. Thankfully, Europe said no!

Domestic violence legislation, equal access to social welfare, maternity and paternity legislation, human rights and anti-discrimination legislation, family law, environmental legislation, all came as a result of European directives.  Directives that Ireland is sometimes lax in implementing.  In 1995 the State was forced to pay arrears to over 70,000 married women who had been discriminated against in social welfare payments, due to delays in implementing the 1985 Social Welfare Act.  And in 2012 we were ordered to pay €3.5 million by the European Court of Justice for failing to comply with environmental law.  The European Courts allow for domestic laws to be challenged on a daily basis. That is a very good thing.  It creates accountability and provides stability.
Yes, the European Union has problems and undoubtedly reform is needed but it is an overwhelming success. The European project emerged as a direct consequence of World War 2, during which over 60 million people were killed.  It is an alliance, a peaceful means of negotiation and economic integration and sadly, almost 60 years after its formation, all the Leave campaign have done is display a complete ignorance of the source of the legislation that they have benefited so hugely from. That, and attempt to legitimise racism. Bravo Boris!

5 in the bed & this Mammy said, I'm tired, I'm tired!!

Five in the bed and this Mammy said, I’m tired!!! The invasion of small people into our bed at night has been happening for so long now that I’m almost immune to it. Almost.

Usually a baby crying around 12, means he is the first to join us.  That’s ok. We’ll tag team on who gets up to bring him in, usually he calls for his Daddy, and who am I to argue? He comes into bed, has a drink of water, a snuggle and he usually settles straight to sleep.  Next come the patter of four-year old feet, usually after a bad dream or sometimes just because she’s feeling a little lonely and wants the comfort and reassurance of her parents.  She’ll give hugs and kisses, until eventually settling to sleep, her body twisted around one of ours.

Somewhere between 6 and 7am, the oldest Joyce will arrive, bounding in, full of 7-year old energy, ready to start the day with a family hug.  Mostly he’s greeted with a collective groan from the four prone entangled bodies that constitute the remainder of said family but it doesn’t deter him.

Our super king sized bed, that once felt like such a luxury, has become a necessity, and long may it last.  Someday, there won’t be any little feet making their way to me in the dark.  Small hands won’t reach for the safety of my arms.  I won’t smile as a warm breath is breathed onto my cheek.  I know the days pass quickly and my children will be grown and before too long I’ll be lying in this very bed worrying about where they are and who they are with.  My Mammy heart will long for these precious nights that we share now.

A recent South African study by paediatrician Dr Nils Bergman suggests that bed sharing or co-sleeping as it is more commonly called, is beneficial for the health of the baby’s heart, the quality of sleep and for parent-child bonding. I breastfed all three of my babies, so for me co-sleeping was the easy option.  Compared with sitting up at night, in the cold, trying to settle a hungry baby in their own room, snuggling and dozing in my own bed, while baby fed was always going to win.

Wherever baby sleeps, safety protocols apply. Surfaces should be firm. Bedding should be tight fitting to the mattress, which in turn should be tight fitting to the headboard.  Pillows, stuffed animals or blankets should not be near baby’s face.

There should be no space where a baby could roll and become trapped.  Babies should never sleep on a couch or other surface where there is a risk of becoming wedged between cushions.  Babies shouldn’t bed share with an adult who smokes, who has been drinking or taken medication, including over the counter medications.

Premature or low birth-weight babies appear to benefit greatly from co-sleeping nearby, but on a separate surface such as a dedicated co-sleeper attached to the side of the parental bed.  For us, knowing how to safely share our bed with our children has enriched family life hugely.