Calling Time On Controlled Crying

This morning on a parenting website I read an article (I use the term loosely) on controlled crying - a technique for training babies to fall asleep on their own, in which the child is left to cry for gradually increasing periods of time before being comforted.

This particular article suggested that the period of time not exceed 15 minutes.  15 minutes of standing outside a bedroom door listening to your infant child communicating in the only way they know how and ignoring that communication.  I was appalled.  And thankfully I wasn't alone as during the course of the morning numerous complaints led to the article being withdrawn.

I'm really not one to interfere in other people's parenting decisions but come on, have we really moved so far from our mothering instincts that it is not only considered normal but is being actively advised by so called sleep training experts that we control our babies cries?  That we control how our baby sleeps?

Look, I understand that being in a zombie like state for much of the day isn't necessarily fun.  I have spent a large portion of my adult life dealing with periods of insomnia.  I know that lack of sleep can have a huge impact on mood, on decision making, on our relationships.  I also know that if I were left alone in a room crying my heart out for up to 15 minutes at a time while the very people who are supposed to love and care for me most were standing just a few feet away I'd feel pretty damn bad about myself.

If your best friend were crying on your door step would you say "oh sorry buddy, hang on there for 15 minutes" and shut the door in their face?  No? So why the hell is it OK to do it to an infant?  And not just any infant, our own infants, that only months before were cocooned in the safety and warmth of our bodies.  I simply do not get it and I imagine it's pretty damn confusing for them too.

Co-sleeping with 2 of my three children

The advice explicitly said "do not pick up your baby".  Babies are not manipulative.  They don't come into the world with an express interest in making sure our sleep is disrupted forever more.  This notion of a "good" baby, a baby that sleeps "through the night" from two weeks of age is a myth and a dangerous one.  Babies are biologically designed to wake frequently during the night, aside from the obvious fact that their tummies are tiny and therefore they require food little and often, frequent waking also helps prevent sudden infant death syndrome.

During my training as an infant massage instructor I came across a book by psychotherapist Sue Gerhardt called "Why Love Matters".  In it she draws on the field of neurochemistry and examines how daily interactions between a baby and his primary care giver have a direct impact on the way in which that child's brain develops.  Our earliest experiences are translated into physiological response patterns which in turn become the rules that govern how we deal with not only our feelings, but the feelings of others for the rest of our lives.  In other words the love we receive in infancy and early childhood forms the blueprint for our future.

When an infant is crying, the hypothalamus (the link between the nervous and endocrine systems) produces a hormone called cortisol.  Normal amounts of cortisol do not pose difficulties and in fact fuel our fight or flight response but if a baby is exposed to stressful situations, such as being left to cry for too long or too often then the brain can become flooded by cortisol.  Every time thereafter, that child is exposed to stress, his or her brain will produce either too little or too much cortisol.  Too much has been linked to depression while too little has been associated with emotional detachment and aggression.

If stress hormones are chronically elevated, cortisol will destroy healthy immune cells that fight viruses and tumors and keep the immune system healthy.

Maybe, just maybe this is the stuff that we as parents need to know.  Maybe we should be guided by our infant and our instincts rather than a timer.  Maybe if our baby is crying, we should simply hold them in our arms and let them know they are safe and they are loved, even if it does mean we have to stay awake to tell them!

My almost 4 year old regularly seeks reassurance in our bed during the night