A Visit To The Breast Clinic

There is something very humbling about sitting in a radiology department, wearing a paper gown that opens at the front.  The sign on the door says "Breast Clinic In Progress".  The pain in my breast is searing and the fear in my heart is very real.  The nurse assures me in hushed tones that the doctor is "very good" and "really lovely". Her easy manner and reassuring smile offer comfort.

It's a beautiful sunny day and I should be hitting the beach, I think, laden down with buckets & spades and sandy sandwiches and squabbling children.  I wish that's where I was.  I'm trying to get there in my mind but the burning sensation in my right breast refuses to allow it.

I've had ongoing pain for months.  I'm breastfeeding my 7 month old son who has a posterior tongue and upper lip ties.  It's been challenging.  I've had recurrent mastitis, blocked ducts, vasospasm but this stabbing, take my breath away pain, is something relatively new.  Something that isn't going away with antibiotics or the prescription painkillers I'm taking twice a day.  Something that's frightening me.

It's probably nothing.  It's probably related to the difficulties I'm having with feeding but I can't help but let my mind wander. I'm called into the ultrasound room and as I am laying down, the doctor comes in and she is every bit as lovely as I was told she would be.  She asks about my symptoms as she covers my breast in gel and starts to run the probe up and down across my chest.  I don't realise that I'm holding my breath. Ultrasounds and I are not friends.  I'm watching the screen but I don't know what I am looking at or for.  Then she is finished and I hear myself exhale as the smiling doctor tells me that what she is looking at is a perfectly normal, lactating breast and that from her point of view there is absolutely nothing to worry about.  

Relief washes over me but is almost instantly replaced by questions.  If there is no underlying problem then what exactly is causing the pain?  What does she recommend?  Starflower oil and no guilt if I decide to stop breastfeeding are the answers.  I'm handed some literature on breast examination and told to check my breasts regularly and get very familiar with what is "normal" for me and then I'm finished and I'm back in my own clothes, on the road home, to my baby, whom I hold closely and feed while thinking about just how lucky I am.